We all want to raise kids who are confident and who will speak up for themselves, so we encourage them to have a voice. A voice is important, but so is having the discernment to know when you are effectively advocating for oneself and when you are simply using righteousness to make a point.
A client of mine starts off describing her sixteen year old daughter as an independent, confident kid. She excels academically and socially, and seems like the kind of kid you would look at and think, Well, she’s got her %#$@ together, she’ll do well out in the world…
But by the end of the session it’s become apparent to me that the girl is also very bossy. She’s demanding and difficult to please. She makes very little accommodation to the needs or wishes of others. And her independence? Well, at times it feels to her mom more like detachment, a premature separation, as if her daughter is saying, “Okay, thanks mom for all your parenting, I’ll take it from here…”
I reconsider how well she’ll do out in the world. Is she someone who people enjoy being around? Do people feel better about themselves when they are around her? Is she generous with her time, her thoughts, her person? Can she experience joy in some of the smaller moments in life? Does she value kindness and patience for those who are less socially nimble, less articulate, endowed with less or a different type of intelligence? I wasn’t so sure. She became someone I wasn’t particularly interested in meeting. Her mom, though, was still busy boasting about her daughter’s ability to speak up for herself, not be a “pushover,” make her feelings known….
We don’t teach parents to talk to their kids about their own character or character traits. They might make references to character but in the abstract, as in, it’s a good thing to have. But the stereotypes of adolescence and the discomfort of talking with your kid about something as personal as their personality keep parents from saying to their kids,“Hey, I love your ambition and creativity and admire your ability to get things done. But I worry that you hold everyone to that standard, and that you don’t feel you have room in your life for people who do things differently or who value different things. And even more worrisome is that they would sense it.”
Instead many parents drink the Kool-Aid and chalk it up to “typical teen behavior” when it’s an early reflection of habits, let’s say, that need redirection, that need correcting, that need a conversation to hold the teen accountable for the impact of her choices on the people around her. No one likes a know-it-all, even if they’re right. Valuing grace and empathy and transparency in relationships over who’s right wins every time in my book.
We all want to raise kids who are confident and who will speak up for themselves, so we encourage them to have a voice. A voice is important, but so is having the discernment to know when you are effectively advocating for oneself and when you are simply using righteousness to make a point.
A client of mine starts off describing her sixteen year old daughter as an independent, confident kid. She excels academically and socially, and seems like the kind of kid you would look at and think, Well, she’s got her %#$@ together, she’ll do well out in the world…
But by the end of the session it’s become apparent to me that the girl is also very bossy. She’s demanding and difficult to please. She makes very little accommodation to the needs or wishes of others. And her independence? Well, at times it feels to her mom more like detachment, a premature separation, as if her daughter is saying, “Okay, thanks mom for all your parenting, I’ll take it from here…”
I reconsider how well she’ll do out in the world. Is she someone who people enjoy being around? Do people feel better about themselves when they are around her? Is she generous with her time, her thoughts, her person? Can she experience joy in some of the smaller moments in life? Does she value kindness and patience for those who are less socially nimble, less articulate, endowed with less or a different type of intelligence? I wasn’t so sure. She became someone I wasn’t particularly interested in meeting. Her mom, though, was still busy boasting about her daughter’s ability to speak up for herself, not be a “pushover,” make her feelings known….
We don’t teach parents to talk to their kids about their own character or character traits. They might make references to character but in the abstract, as in, it’s a good thing to have. But the stereotypes of adolescence and the discomfort of talking with your kid about something as personal as their personality keep parents from saying to their kids,“Hey, I love your ambition and creativity and admire your ability to get things done. But I worry that you hold everyone to that standard, and that you don’t feel you have room in your life for people who do things differently or who value different things. And even more worrisome is that they would sense it.”
Instead many parents drink the Kool-Aid and chalk it up to “typical teen behavior” when it’s an early reflection of habits, let’s say, that need redirection, that need correcting, that need a conversation to hold the teen accountable for the impact of her choices on the people around her. No one likes a know-it-all, even if they’re right. Valuing grace and empathy and transparency in relationships over who’s right wins every time in my book.
— Janet Sasson Edgette